No regrets

I didn't set out on the homeowner's journey ever in my wild dreams thinking that it would turn out like this. I saw our purchase as one of risk-- buying a house always is. I knew we might lose value in the house. I knew that our budget would be stretched thin at times. I knew all of that. I didn't know that David would become unemployed for so long. I didn't know that my mom would die. I didn't know that my world would be turned upside down by emergency surgery and two miscarriages in less than a year. I didn't know that our whole country's home market would crash like it did. A dip... yeah, a big dip, maybe; one like this... who knew?

Through it all I have learned to have a lot of faith in God''s plan. I have learned... I have come to actually KNOW, that his timing is perfect. Sure, I "knew" it before, but I KNOW it now.We tried so hard to do the right thing. We tried so hard to pay the debt we had incurred. We tried so hard to make ends meet however we could. But it didn't work. Sometimes our best human efforts are just not enough.

And I am sorry to the people or the bank behind our mortgage. And I am sorry to my neighbors who invested in me. And I am sorry about the massive inconvenience to friends who this touches. I hope that our actions have eased the difficulty as much as possible. I just don't know what to say. Our frail human actions just often aren't enough.

So there it is. Today when I got the call that our short sale had been approved, I was elated-- and relieved-- and hopeful for the relief-- and sad that my current homeowner's dream was finally ending-- and nervous that it won't go through.

So many emotions. I had to write them down, get them out. Why is it there aren't simple emotions anymore? Why must they be a whirlwind?

So, what's the plan?

David applied for another job. David had another interview. David didn't get the job.

I know God has a plan. After the last few year, I had better know that God has a plan. I have seen it again and again. I have seen how His timing is perfect. I have seen over and over how He knows what is coming, and I do not. I have seen how He cushions my fall. I know that God's plan is so much more perfect than my most desperate desires ever are.

I have to admit though. I struggle right now with wondering whether my total reliance on him is that, complete and utter broken reliance, or if I have gotten a kind of attitude in my heart, "okay God, whatever you want." I don't want it to be that at all. Ever ever ever. But it can be hard in my human sinfulness to be prayerfully, honestly broken and reliant. But I have to be, because I can't do it without him.

I want David to get a job. I want him to get one now. For our family, for his self esteem, for his feeling of "usefullness." Even though having him home is AMAZING and I love knowing that Penny is with us, her parents, a lot, I want him to get work. But I want him to get the right job, in the right timing, in God's perfect timing. Who knows what I don't? God does.

I sewed last night and tonight. Maybe to procrastinate, but also because it is fun, I made Penelope a couple of things. I made her this sleep sack out of two old receiving blankets... it should work well as the weather gets warmer:



I also made her this skirt out of some pretty fabric I found while shopping for the real project I am supposed to be working on:



It also has a bow in the back and some fun stitching detail.

Now off to do what I am really supposed to be doing, making a cover for the wheelchair lift in the auditorium of the school our church meets at... LOTS of black fabric!

My imagist poem

Parking lot of puddles
Cracked asphalt torn
A boiled egg shell peeled
Rivulets of water

Umbrella shakes a shower
Adding to the rain

The Big Game

I won the final super bowl pool yesterday, thus reinforcing David's theory that the person who cares the least has the best chance of winning. Yay for ten dollars!

Out

When a baby is born in the family, going out gets more complicated, but it is still possible. David and I talk about it all the time. As responsible parents, we want to make sure that Penelope sleeps comfortably and well at home when she is supposed to; sleep is so important to development. But, life doesn't stop, and at least this time, we are lucky enough to have a baby that is okay being up a bit past her bedtime, and is still young enough to fall asleep other places.

Last night we hung out with friends, and Penny slept in a pack and Play until we went home at 11:00. What a great baby! Then tonight, we went out for dinner because David's birthday is tomorrow. We went early, we had a great time, and then Penelope rode home with her grandparents, while we stayed out for an extra half hour or so.

We got home to this:


She melts my heart.

I don't mind that life changes. I don't mind taking care of her, or often putting her first. I still like my time with my husband or my friends, and I always will. Becoming a mother shouldn't steal away your identity. It should change something inside of you, and it does, but it doesn't mean you have to leave yourself behind. Becoming responsible for a whole someone's entire life is heavy, a great responsibility and an honor. I love being a mom.